I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
