Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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