sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
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He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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