I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
