I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
