I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
