i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
