I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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