Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
