I wish I only lived at night.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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