i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
