apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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