Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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