did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
