So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
