I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
