God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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