i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
