Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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