She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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