There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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