You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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