He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
