Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
