are you so shy because you have an std?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
