She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
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Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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