My friends, they love my intelligence
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
