New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
