i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
