Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
