i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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