I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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