you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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