drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
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My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at