Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow