I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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