I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
