Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
