You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I can text with my tongue
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
