Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
