This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
