Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We need a shit load of segways right now
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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