Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
