OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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