I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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