He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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