the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
