I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
