apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Dating After Heartbreak
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath