I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
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I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
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Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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