This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before