I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
