It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
