honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
