My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
